If you’ve been worried about all the influences your child gets when they’re outside the home, this article is for you.
As parents, I know we all worry about peer pressure. How can we help our kids, so they’ll know how to stand up to peer pressure when they need to? How can we protect them from “bad influences”?
In this article, I’ll share 3 strategies to protect and support our kids – without smothering them, killing their independence, or becoming helicopter parents.
Start during early childhood.
The best time to help children be resilient and learn to deal with peer pressure is not when they’re teenagers, but when they’re much younger.
In the first three years of life, our kids need to learn that they can trust us. They need to know that we love them unconditionally, so they don’t need to try and do all sorts of things to please anyone.
Because that’s really what peer pressure is at heart. We give in to peer pressure because we believe we need to do something in order to please others, even if we don’t want to do it, because deep down we don’t feel loved unconditionally.
That’s why we need to have built that strong relationship with them starting in early childhood.
In my book, “Toddler Talking: Boost Your Child’s Language and Brain Development in Three Easy Steps,” I emphasize that we need to involve kids in family conversations.
We need to start getting into the habit of asking them about their day, and sharing our thoughts with them, and listening to them. So that when they’re older, it won’t be as difficult for them to share the challenges they’re going through.
Teach your child the skills they need to handle peer pressure.
Setting boundaries
Teach your kids that they don’t need to do anything that they’re not comfortable doing. Let them know that it’s okay to set boundaries.
Saying no
Kids need to learn critical thinking skills, and they need to be able to discern when to say no.
This is why I’ve always been against teaching kids to obey without question. “Kids can think critically later, but while they are young, they need to obey without question,” I often hear.
But critical thinking isn’t a skill that we can “turn on” when someone becomes an adult. Kids need to be able to exercise age-appropriate decision making from a young age, so they hone this skill.
This is also why I don’t agree with the advice that we should never say no to our kids. Because kids need to see that it’s okay for us to say no to them. They need us to model it. They need to know that “no” is not a bad word, and saying “no” doesn’t make us bad people.
Distinguishing between safe and unsafe people
Teach your child how to distinguish between people who are safe and not safe. This can apply to both adults and peers.
Also, teach your kids that if someone tells them to keep something a secret from you, this is a warning sign that it’s not a safe person. That’s why it’s important to keep communication lines open.
Build a strong connection with your child or teen.
Have regular times when it’s just you and your child, even if they’re already teenagers. This can be right after they arrive home from school, or maybe you have a favorite activity that both of you enjoy. Even brief moments of connection mean a lot.
Many parents of teens tell me how valuable this time has been for them. This is when their kids tell them about things they wouldn’t have heard about otherwise.
If your child or teen confides in you, listen without judgment. Sometimes it may mean simply listening without giving advice or doing anything to fix the child’s problem.
I know this is hard to do as a parent, because we want to fix things for our kids and it can be hard to see our kids upset. But this is where we need to discern whether this is something we need to let them handle on their own.
For example, maybe a child reveals that her friend said she doesn’t want to be her friend anymore. Many parents are tempted to do one of two things.
Some will belittle the problem and say, “Cheer up! Who needs your friend anyway? You’ll make other friends!”
I’ve also seen parents who step in and even call the friend’s parents and demand that they should be friends again.
There’s absolutely no judgment here. I know these parents love their kids very much and have the best intentions.
But actions like these might make kids less likely to confide in a parent in the future. It may be better to acknowledge that yes, it does hurt when someone you consider a friend doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore. And then give space for the child to work out their own solutions, while being clear that you’re there for support, and that your child is not alone.
In this way, when the time comes that there’s a critical peer pressure moment, it will be more likely that your child will have the skills and resilience to make the right decision.
Your child will also know that you have their back. They trust you, and they know you love them unconditionally and they can approach you for support if they need it.